Emotional intelligence
is the “something” in each of us that is a bit intangible. It affects how we
manage behavior, navigate social complexities, and make personal decisions to
achieve positive results.”
When emotional
intelligence (EQ) first appeared to the masses, it served as the missing link
in a peculiar finding: people with average IQs outperform those with the
highest IQs 70 per cent of the time. This anomaly threw a massive wrench into
the broadly held assumption that IQ was the sole source of success.
Decades of research
now point to emotional intelligence as being the critical factor that sets star
performers apart from the rest of the pack. The connection is so strong that 90
per cent of top performers have high emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence
is the “something” in each of us that is a bit intangible. It affects how we
manage behavior, navigate social complexities, and make personal decisions to
achieve positive results.
Despite the
significance of EQ, its intangible nature makes it very difficult to know how
much you have and what you can do to improve if you’re lacking. You can always
take a scientifically validated test, such as the one that comes with the
Emotional Intelligence 2.0 book.
Unfortunately, quality
(scientifically valid) EQ tests aren’t free. So, I’ve analyzed the data from
the million-plus people TalentSmart has tested in order to identify the
behaviors that are the hallmarks of a high EQ. What follows are sure signs that
you have a high EQ.
1. You have a robust
emotional vocabulary
All people experience
emotions, but it is a select few who can accurately identify them as they
occur. Our research shows that only 36 per cent of people can do this, which is
problematic because unlabeled emotions often go misunderstood, which leads to
irrational choices and counterproductive actions.
People with high EQs
master their emotions because they understand them, and they use an extensive
vocabulary of feelings to do so. While many people might describe themselves as
simply feeling “bad,” emotionally intelligent people can pinpoint whether they
feel “irritable,” “frustrated,” “downtrodden,” or “anxious.” The more specific
your word choice, the better insight you have into exactly how you are feeling,
what caused it, and what you should do about it.
2. You’re curious
about people
It doesn’t matter if
they’re introverted or extroverted, emotionally intelligent people are curious
about everyone around them. This curiosity is the product of empathy, one of
the most significant gateways to a high EQ. The more you care about other
people and what they’re going through, the more curiosity you’re going to have
about them.
3. You embrace change
Emotionally
intelligent people are flexible and are constantly adapting. They know that
fear of change is paralyzing and a major threat to their success and happiness.
They look for change that is lurking just around the corner, and they form a
plan of action should these changes occur.
4. You know your
strengths and weaknesses
Emotionally
intelligent people don’t just understand emotions; they know what they’re good
at and what they’re terrible at. They also know who pushes their buttons and
the environments (both situations and people) that enable them to succeed.
Having a high EQ means you know your strengths and you know how to lean into
them and use them to your full advantage while keeping your weaknesses from
holding you back.
5. You’re a good judge
of character
Much of emotional
intelligence comes down to social awareness; the ability to read other people,
know what they’re about, and understand what they’re going through. Over time,
this skill makes you an exceptional judge of character. People are no mystery to
you. You know what they’re all about and understand their motivations, even
those that lie hidden beneath the surface.
6. You are difficult
to offend
If you have a firm
grasp of whom you are, it’s difficult for someone to say or do something that
gets your goat. Emotionally intelligent people are self-confident and
open-minded, which creates a pretty thick skin. You may even poke fun at
yourself or let other people make jokes about you because you are able to
mentally draw the line between humor and degradation.
7. You know how to say
no (to yourself and others)
Emotional intelligence
means knowing how to exert self-control. You delay gratification, and you avoid
impulsive action. Research conducted at the University of California, San
Francisco, shows that the more difficulty that you have saying no, the more
likely you are to experience stress, burnout, and even depression. Saying no is
indeed a major self-control challenge for many people. “No” is a powerful word
that you should not be afraid to wield. When it’s time to say no, emotionally
intelligent people avoid phrases such as “I don’t think I can” or “I’m not
certain.” Saying no to a new commitment honors your existing commitments and
gives you the opportunity to successfully fulfill them.
8. You let go of
mistakes
Emotionally
intelligent people distance themselves from their mistakes, but do so without
forgetting them. By keeping their mistakes at a safe distance, yet still handy
enough to refer to, they are able to adapt and adjust for future success. It
takes refined self-awareness to walk this tightrope between dwelling and
remembering. Dwelling too long on your mistakes makes you anxious and gun shy,
while forgetting about them completely makes you bound to repeat them. The key
to balance lies in your ability to transform failures into nuggets of
improvement. This creates the tendency to get right back up every time you fall
down.
9. You give and expect
nothing in return
When someone gives you
something spontaneously, without expecting anything in return, this leaves a
powerful impression. For example, you might have an interesting conversation
with someone about a book, and when you see them again a month later, you show
up with the book in hand. Emotionally intelligent people build strong relationships
because they are constantly thinking about others.
10. You don’t hold
grudges
The negative emotions
that come with holding onto a grudge are actually a stress response. Just
thinking about the event sends your body into fight-or-flight mode, a survival
mechanism that forces you to stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced
with a threat. When the threat is imminent, this reaction is essential to your
survival, but when the threat is ancient history, holding onto that stress
wreaks havoc on your body and can have devastating health consequences over
time. In fact, researchers at Emory University have shown that holding onto
stress contributes to high blood pressure and heart disease. Holding onto a
grudge means you’re holding onto stress, and emotionally intelligent people
know to avoid this at all costs. Letting go of a grudge not only makes you feel
better now but can also improve your health.
11. You neutralize
toxic people
Dealing with difficult
people is frustrating and exhausting for most. High EQ individuals control
their interactions with toxic people by keeping their feelings in check. When
they need to confront a toxic person, they approach the situation rationally.
They identify their own emotions and don’t allow anger or frustration to fuel
the chaos. They also consider the difficult person’s standpoint and are able to
find solutions and common ground. Even when things completely derail,
emotionally intelligent people are able to take the toxic person with a grain
of salt to avoid letting him or her bring them down.
12. You don’t seek
perfection
Emotionally
intelligent people won’t set perfection as their target because they know that
it doesn’t exist. Human beings, by our very nature, are fallible. When
perfection is your goal, you’re always left with a nagging sense of failure
that makes you want to give up or reduce your effort. You end up spending your
time lamenting what you failed to accomplish and what you should have done
differently instead of moving forward, excited about what you’ve achieved and
what you will accomplish in the future.
13. You appreciate
what you have
Taking time to
contemplate what you’re grateful for isn’t merely the right thing to do; it
also improves your mood because it reduces the stress hormone cortisol by 23
per cent. Research conducted at the University of California, Davis, found that
people who worked daily to cultivate an attitude of gratitude experienced
improved mood, energy, and physical well-being. It’s likely that lower levels
of cortisol played a major role in this.
14. You disconnect
Taking regular time
off the grid is a sign of a high EQ because it helps you to keep your stress
under control and to live in the moment. When you make yourself available to
your work 24/7, you expose yourself to a constant barrage of stressors. Forcing
yourself offline and even–gulp!–turning off your phone gives your body and mind
a break. Studies have shown that something as simple as an e-mail break can
lower stress levels. Technology enables constant communication and the
expectation that you should be available 24/7. It is extremely difficult to
enjoy a stress-free moment outside of work when an e-mail that will change your
train of thought and get you thinking (read: stressing) about work can drop
onto your phone at any moment.
15. You limit your
caffeine intake
Drinking excessive
amounts of caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline, and adrenaline is the
source of the fight-or-flight response. The fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps
rational thinking in favor of a faster response to ensure survival. This is
great when a bear is chasing you, but not so great when you’re responding to a
curt e-mail. When caffeine puts your brain and body into this hyper-aroused
state of stress, your emotions overrun your behavior. Caffeine’s long half-life
ensures you stay this way as it takes its sweet time working its way out of
your body. High-EQ individuals know that caffeine is trouble, and they don’t
let it get the better of them.
16. You get enough
sleep
It’s difficult to overstate
the importance of sleep to increasing your emotional intelligence and managing
your stress levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges, shuffling
through the day’s memories and storing or discarding them (which causes dreams)
so that you wake up alert and clearheaded. High-EQ individuals know that their
self-control, attention, and memory are all reduced when they don’t get
enough–or the right kind–of sleep. So, they make sleep a top priority.
17. You stop negative
self-talk in its tracks
The more you ruminate
on negative thoughts, the more power you give them. Most of our negative
thoughts are just that–thoughts, not facts. When it feels like something always
or never happens, this is just your brain’s natural tendency to perceive threats
(inflating the frequency or severity of an event). Emotionally intelligent
people separate their thoughts from the facts in order to escape the cycle of
negativity and move toward a positive, new outlook.
18. You won’t let
anyone limit your joy
When your sense of
pleasure and satisfaction are derived from the opinions of other people, you
are no longer the master of your own happiness. When emotionally intelligent
people feel good about something that they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s
opinions or snide remarks take that away from them. While it’s impossible to
turn off your reactions to what others think of you, you don’t have to compare
yourself to others, and you can always take people’s opinions with a grain of
salt. That way, no matter what other people are thinking or doing, your
self-worth comes from within.
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